A reader emailed me this story and asked if I’d share it for reader input, and I said, “Of course!”
I’m wondering if you and/or your readers have any advice for how to handle it when family asks for money.
My parents (now in their 70s) are extremely financially irresponsible. To name a few things, they have no retirement savings/income (Social Security only), lost their home to foreclosure about 10 years ago, have had multiple cars repossessed, and are nearly evicted from their apartment multiple times a year.
They have “managed” their money like this for as long as I (now 44) can remember, even when my dad was making what most people would call pretty good money. My sister (now 42) and I both remember utilities being regularly disconnected, bounced checks everywhere, cars being repossessed, and not being allowed to answer the phone because it was likely a collections agency.
Meanwhile, my mom regularly got her nails done, my dad subscribed to multiple cable packages, they got new furniture and appliances every few years, and ate out a lot. They were constantly asking their parents for money. My only aunt has also given them money multiple times over the years.
Things were better for a while when they received modest inheritances after their parents all passed away, but that money is long gone.
Over the past 10 years, my husband and I, along with my sister and her wife, have spent thousands of dollars on their expenses. I’m almost finished paying off a personal loan I took out to help them.
Finally, two years ago, when we spent nearly $4,000.00 at one time to keep them from being evicted, get their power turned back on, and catch up on some other things, all four of us told them that it was absolutely the last time, and that we could not continue to pay their bills.
At that time, my sister offered to help manage their finances and help them set up a realistic budget. They said their budget was none of her business. I offered to pay for them to attend a financial management class and/or help them get set up with a self-help credit union. They said if I had money for that, I should have money to help with their bills. They didn’t speak to us for about a year after that.
None of us is wealthy. My husband and I both work for the local government, so our jobs are stable and we will both have a fairly good retirement, but they are not high-paying. We live a somewhat frugal lifestyle (not saying we’re perfect at it, but we aren’t spending extravagantly). My sister and S-I-L have higher-paying jobs than we do, but won’t have the same retirement benefits we do. They’re also renting and are currently saving for a house. They also don’t spend extravagantly (again, not perfect, but definitely sensible). Meanwhile, my parents have newer furniture and appliances than any of us do. I know because they listed me as a contact, so I get the calls from the rent-to-own place when they pay late.
During that year, they asked my aunt (who they hadn’t spoken to in several years after she told them she couldn’t keep giving them money) for money to move to another apartment when they were being evicted. She gave them the money, but told them it was absolutely the last time. They haven’t spoken to her since then.
At the end of May, they called us, frantic for money because they were about to be evicted, their Wi-Fi was turned off, and they needed new cellphones. All told, they were asking for around $2,500.00 and needed it within 24 hours.
We finally managed to pry from them that the “need” for new cellphones stemmed from being sent to collections with their current carrier, and they didn’t want to switch to a pay-as-you-go plan because they didn’t want to change their phone numbers. They said they need Wi-Fi to go online and pay bills. And they would be served with eviction papers if the rent wasn’t paid.
The four of us (sister, S-I-L, hubby, and I) talked and offered them the following plans:
1. We would buy them each a StraightTalk flip phone and a month of service (we couldn’t see a legitimate need for Wi-Fi if they can’t afford it, and thought it would help cut down on all the subscriptions and games they buy). They live literally across the street from a public library that allows Wi-Fi use.) We would catch up their rent, on the condition that they immediately allow my sister to take over managing their finances. She was going to open a separate account and pay their bills that way.
2. We would buy each of them a StraightTalk flip phone and a month of service. They could move in with my sister and S-I-L (we would handle all moving expenses) for up to six months (with some house rules in place) while their cat stayed with my husband and me (we’d handle all of his expenses/care) on the condition that they immediately allow my sister to take over managing their finances, with the plan that the vast majority of their income would go into savings for deposits, emergency fund, etc.
We told them that, as we had before, we are not in a financial position to spend that kind of money every time they call, and that the only way we could do it again was with a clear plan in place so it wouldn’t happen again.
We put everything in writing and gave them a deadline to either accept one of the offers or decline our help.
They sent a pretty nasty text that they had gone to their church for help because they weren’t about to hand over control of their lives and finances to their children, and said it was very hateful/selfish of us to expect them to change their phone numbers. They also sent a picture of the eviction papers they were served before their church helped them. They haven’t spoken to any of us since then. Part of me feels like we did the right thing, and part of me feels sick, and like we are truly terrible, selfish, hateful people.
I am sure, whether it’s in a few months or a year, they will call again with something similar. So, my questions are:
Are we doing the right thing, or are we being selfish/horrible? Is there a better way to handle it? Is there a way that we’re just missing to help them learn how to manage their money? Or is this just a lather, rinse, repeat that we’ll be dealing with for the rest of their lives?
Oh my, I’m so sorry that you and your family are dealing with this frustrating, guilt-tripping, manipulative behavior from people who are unwilling to take accountability.
I will leave most of the responding up to readers, but I will share something that I learned from having stayed too long in a situation, believing that it would change: if someone has been given a zillion chances and has still not changed, odds are extremely good that they will never change.
So, it is a waste of energy to keep trying to help them change/improve. You have to practice some radical acceptance around the fact that these people are probably going to be this way until their last breath.
Peace only comes when you completely retire from trying to change them and instead focus on what you will and will not accept. You communicate that, and the other party gets to decide how they will operate.
It sounds like your parents decided to respond to your offer in a manipulative, guilt-tripping way, but that does not mean you did anything wrong. Their response is about them, not about you. You have been more than reasonable, and you have helped repeatedly.
You made a good-faith effort to help, they were not willing to accept the terms, and they made the decision to cut you off. That’s on them, not on you, and if I were in your shoes, I would respond exactly the same way next time they come asking for money. It won’t change them, but it will prevent you from getting suckered into pouring money into a hopeless cause.
Oh! One more thing: many years ago, my therapist gave me a helpful tip. When you are trying to figure out if someone’s behavior is toxic, flip it, and ask yourself, “If I behaved that way, would I think my behavior was ok?” That usually clears it up.
(I already know there’s no way you’d behave the way your parents are behaving.)
Sending you a hug!
Readers, what advice would you add to mine?
Source: www.thefrugalgirl.com…