If you’re not in a bad marriage, you probably will not join my Patreon (which is totally fine! I never ever want anyone to feel pressure to join there. I would probably write posts there even if no one joined, mainly because my writing there helps me process what happened to me.)
But some of you were asking for ideas about how to help someone ELSE who is in a bad marriage, and I realized if I put that post on Patreon, it probably wouldn’t ever get to the target audience.
So, if you are not interested in this, skip on by for today! You’ve been warned that we are going off-topic. 😉
I’m just gonna make a list of some random dos and don’ts, based on what I have experienced and have learned. Again, I’m not an expert or a professional; just a person who had a very long, very bad marriage, and then got out.
1. Don’t tell her what to do
It is very tempting for someone on the outside to think they have the obvious solution. But unless you have been inside a marriage like this, your “solution” might be pretty unhelpful.
Also: she has probably spent her marriage being told what to do. Having more voices tell her what to do, and more people putting pressure on her, will probably not be helpful.
2. Do help build her confidence in her own decision-making
People who have survived a long-term abusive marriage are actually very competent and resourceful. Otherwise, they’d have cracked a long time ago.
The problem is that they often don’t realize how resourceful they are. They probably have been told they’re not smart, not trustworthy, not savvy, not wise…their confidence has probably been smashed.
Asking, “What would you like to do?” or, “How would you like to handle this?”, or saying, “I know that you can figure this out. I trust that you will know the right thing to do.” might be helpful.
3. Ask questions instead of giving advice
When I’m talking to a friend in a tough marriage or relationship, I try really hard to resist the urge to give advice.
Instead, I ask questions.
She tells me a thing he did, and I say, “How did you feel after that?”
She tells me something he said, and I ask, “What do you think about that?” or, “What do you want to say to him?”
And a lot of times, I follow up their response with, “Tell me more about that.”
Your friend is probably smart and wise, and she may need to figure out her feelings by talking with a safe person. Questions and “tell me more” will encourage that.
4. Don’t tell her to leave; tell her you’ll be there either way
Sometimes the process of getting to the “I want to leave.” stage is slow, but it’s ideal if someone can make a free choice to leave a relationship.
(As opposed to making the decision to please the “helpers”.)
This is also true when it comes to pressuring someone to stay; in religious communities, there is a terrible amount of pressure to stay no matter what. That’s the main reason I was stuck for so long.
So, piggybacking on a couple of the previous points: you might want to say, “I know you’re gonna figure out what the right decision is for you. You can trust yourself! And I’ll be here for you no matter your decision.”
It usually takes people several tries (I think the average is 7?) to leave an abusive relationship for good. It’s hard to get out! So be prepared to be patient.
When someone has a safe space to make whatever decision they want, THEN they can figure out what they really do want for their life.
(I sometimes say something like this to my friends who are dating after divorce too, and are waffling on whether someone is right for them! “I know you’re gonna figure this out. You can trust yourself. And you can tell me about it along the way. You’ve got this.”)
4. Remind her she has choices
One of the most horrible things about my marriage was feeling like I did not have choices; the complementarian model + abuse left me with little agency.
Realizing I had choices was pivotal for me; in fact, during the last sessions of marriage counseling, which were horrific, I wrote a little note to myself at the top of the page: “It will be ok. I have choices.” And that helped me breathe.
This is her life; she has options, and she gets to decide.
5. Do take her seriously
My friend Whitney, after hearing just a little bit about my marriage at Fincon, said, “Friend, I am really concerned about you.” and I will always be grateful for her honesty. It was perfect; she wasn’t telling me what to do, she wasn’t giving me advice, but she was gently sharing a concern.
It was one of the few times someone was appropriately horrified at the way I was being treated*, and it was a wake-up call for me. Like…”Oh. Maybe this is actually bad.” And I did end up leaving him about four months later.
*The Christian counselors were particularly blase, at least directly to me, about the stories I told them. I came away with the impression that my marriage problems were run-of-the-mill. Maybe they were privately horrified, but they did not communicate that to me.
6. If she does ask for an opinion, be honest and direct
After I left in 2022, I did not want to go back. I can remember asking the Christian counselor and the pastor very directly, “Do you think I need to go back? Am I obligated to go back?” and I pressed them repeatedly for an answer. But they weren’t willing to label the abuse as abuse, and they weren’t willing to explicitly say that divorce was an acceptable option.
It felt to me like they wanted to say it, but just couldn’t morally bring themselves to do it.
In my experience, Christians in particular are SO CAREFUL about “not encouraging divorce”, it’s like they’ve strained out a gnat and swallowed a camel. They’ll send a wife back to an abusive husband and think little of it because thank goodness, at least they “saved the marriage.” which often seems to be the moral priority.
It would have helped me so much if someone in the Christian world had just flat-out said to me, “You can choose to stay. But also, you do not have to stay. Either choice is morally acceptable.”
If someone had said that to me, I know without a doubt that I would not have ever gone back after the initial 2018 separation. I also think I’d have managed to leave way sooner than that.
(A sidebar: in Matthew 7:9-11, the Bible says that God is a good father; kinder than earthly fathers. Would you fathers/mothers expect your child to live in a state of persistent abuse, just to avoid divorce? I hope not. And if God is more good than earthly parents, I do not know how we can believe he expects us to stay married to abusive spouses. Please, please do not let your faith cause you to enable the continuance of abuse. I desperately hope Jesus weeps when he sees the church do this.)
7. Offer practical help
I’m pretty independent, and I have a solid base of practical skills, but I still needed some help!
My parents and my brother kindly housed the girls and me when we left in 2018 and also in 2022. They helped me move my stuff out of my house too, and helped me find a place to rent. I will always be grateful for this.
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I hope this helps you feel a little bit more confident about what to do when someone confides in you, and thank you to all of you who have a heart to help someone who is stuck. You really can make a difference!
If you’ve been through this, what helped you the most? Share if you feel comfortable!
P.S. A funny-ish thing I learned from Natalie Hoffman: If your friend says, “What if I regret this? Maybe he’s going to change and be wonderful.”, you can say, “Well, this isn’t permanent. If you divorce him, and he’s one of the few that does manage to change, you can always remarry him.” 🙂 Sometimes it helps to remember this isn’t permanent if you don’t want it to be.
P.P.S. Most people don’t end up wanting to remarry their ex. ME INCLUDED. 😉 It just can help to know it’s an option; it helps people get unstuck sometimes.
P.P.P.S. What I would say directly to someone who is stuck in a harmful marriage
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