I emailed the reader who had sent in the plea for feedback about her very hard situation with her parents and their finances because I wondered if she’d like to send in an anonymous response to all of your feedback.
Here’s what she sent in as an update:
First of all, we have stuck to our “no.”
I’ve only heard from my parents once since then, via text that seemed to be sent solely for the purpose of causing guilt and eliciting sympathy/help; I did not respond. My sister hasn’t heard from them at all since then. That’s a little different from their normal approach of reaching out to her more than me, but we’re still ignoring it.
My sister generally talks to them on the phone a little more than I do, but hasn’t seen them in over three years. Due to their religious beliefs, they are extremely opposed to same sex marriage. They were very unpleasant when my sister told them about her relationship. At the time, my husband and I made it very clear to them that if they wanted to continue to have a relationship with any of us, they needed to keep their opinions to themselves. My sister and her wife chose not to tell them when they got married. As you can imagine, that complicates things even more. That is something that I am prepared to go full No Contact over. My husband and I decided early on that the four of us are a package deal; if they refuse to accept/acknowledge my S-I-L (or choose to cut off contact with my sister), we’re out of their lives too.
In response to the many comments suggesting therapy, I do see a therapist, and that has been hugely helpful. My health insurance changed at the beginning of the year, and my co-pay tripled, so I reduced the frequency of my visits for a while. We’ve since reworked the budget so that I’m on a more regular schedule, which is definitely helping with this.
One thing my therapist has really helped me with is realizing that there are different kinds of abuse. I’ve spent my entire adult life working in/around the court/criminal justice system, so when I think “abuse,” I tend to leap straight to truly heinous, nearly unspeakable things. My therapist actually read me definitions of abuse, and that has helped. Sitting with the knowledge that there have definitely been types of abuse has helped a lot with letting go of the idea that I owe my parents something for having and raising me.
(Note from Kristen: YES. I used to think abuse was limited to overt behaviors, but I now know that there are much more subtle forms, and those are also very damaging.)
I have also realized that I will be grieving my parents twice. Once (now, while they’re still living), for the fact that while they may have done their best (I’m choosing to believe they did, and honestly, at this point, I’m not sure it even matters), they have never really been the parents that I (or my sister) needed. It will always be a difficult relationship, and not giving them what they want will create more distance.
Sometimes we have to choose the lesser evil, and a more distant relationship with them (not allowing them to drag us down with them) is definitely the lesser evil. And there will be more (and different) grief when they pass away.
In response to the comments about monitoring my credit, I have monitored my credit for years. Readers my age and older may remember how easy it used to be to open a checking account. My parents opened and overdrew checking accounts at multiple banks in my name and my sister’s when we were kids, so we both started adulthood with terrible credit scores and spent years cleaning that up.
We both have credit monitoring through one of our credit cards. We have also placed a hold (I’m not positive that’s the right term) on our credit, so that any new line of credit requires an in-person signature and ID. I also get my own credit report once a year.
As far as the calls from debt collectors where I’ve been listed as a contact, I don’t answer them. I’ve stopped trying to pass on messages to my parents or asking the companies not to call. I just block the number and move on. It would be a pain to change my cell phone number, and I’m not going to let them make me do that. My sister and I both live in a different state now, so it’s fairly easy to screen those calls since they’re from the area code where my parents live.
As for being contacted by the church, my sister and I both left it when we were adults. It can definitely be described as a cult, and the belief system (that the end of the world is coming any day and planning for the future demonstrates a lack of faith) is at least a part of the reason why my parents didn’t save for retirement. I truly do not care what those people think of me, and I doubt they could say anything worse than some of the terrible things my so-called friends told me when I left. And, once again, it’s fairly easy to screen those phone calls since they’re likely to be from the area code where my parents live.
Sometimes physical distance is a huge blessing!
One thing a few people brought up in the comments that I had absolutely not thought about was funeral expenses. I don’t know why that hadn’t occurred to me, and I appreciate the reminder. The four of us now have a plan for what we are willing to do, and we will set aside money for it. I’m grateful that we were able to make the plan now rather than in the moment when emotions are likely to be high.
I have a background as a paralegal, so I have some familiarity (mainly enough to know it isn’t something I want to spend the time and mental energy on!) with the probate system in their state. I’ve spoken with my sister about it, and we’ve agreed to hire an attorney to handle the estate, which will largely involve dealing with debt collectors. Based on some of the comments, we’ve decided that we need to have that in place before it’s needed. Once again, it’s better to make those decisions before emotions are high.
One common theme in the comments was that we’re of an age where we need to be planning our own retirement, feathering our own nest, putting on our own oxygen masks, etc. A few comments brought up that bailing them out was hurting us financially and that possibly allowing them to move in would be very stressful for my sister and S-I-L.
That point has really been driven home, and it feels like we dodged a bullet when they didn’t like our offers. My sister had a pretty big health scare shortly after all of this (fortunately, she is 100% okay now), but she realized how stressful dealing with our parents living there would have been while dealing with that. My husband and I had a large/expensive plumbing emergency at our house two weeks ago, and it would have been much more difficult to handle if we had stretched ourselves so thin by bailing them out again.
It really drove home the point that it’s just not a good idea to let them pull into a situation where something like that becomes potentially devastating.
Calling ourselves estranged or going full No Contact feels a bit extreme to me, but that doesn’t mean constant contact/availability either. Over the years, we’ve seen and talked to them less and less. At this point, my husband and I see them about once every year to year and a half when we visit and take them to dinner.
Other than that, I have very little contact with them. Going forward, it will likely be even less contact since I will be ignoring the calls/texts asking for things.
I have no doubt they will come to us again, desperately asking for money, and I know it will be hard to say no. I think that will always be hard. But I feel better about being able to say no, and not being a terrible person for it.
The comments comparing their behavior to an addict’s were helpful. If they had a substance abuse addiction, there wouldn’t be much guilt in not enabling that. Their addictions are drama, irresponsible behavior, and reckless spending, and they refuse to work on themselves.
I want to thank Kristen and everyone else who took the time to comment and to offer support and advice. Sometimes just hearing from a neutral party that you’re making the right choice is incredibly helpful. Thank you.
And for everyone who is dealing with, or has dealt with, something similar, I’m sorry. I know it really sucks, and it’s hard. Hopefully, some of these comments help you as much as they have helped me.
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Anonymous, thank you for sharing your story with us, and thank you for these updates too! I’m glad you and your sister are finding some peace with your decisions, and I’m so glad you have a therapist to help you walk through this very difficult relationship. I’m so impressed that you guys are holding to your boundaries, even though it’s hard. I am cheering you on!
Source: www.thefrugalgirl.com…